Ay, upon proof positive it must; but upon proof presumptive it only may. And for the rest which is to follow in both cases, a man may do it without book. Sir Wilfull Witwoud in a riding dress , Mrs. Marwood , Petulant , Witwoud , Footman. Not I:—yes, I think it is he. Ha, friend? My aunt, sir? Yes my aunt, sir, and your lady, sir; your lady is my aunt, sir. Why, what dost thou not know me, friend? Why, then, send somebody hither that does.
How long hast thou lived with thy lady, fellow, ha? Why, then, belike thou dost not know thy lady, if thou seest her. Why, truly, sir, I cannot safely swear to her face in a morning, before she is dressed. Well, prithee try what thou canst do; if thou canst not guess, enquire her out, dost hear, fellow? And tell her her nephew, Sir Wilfull Witwoud, is in the house. Hold ye, hear me, friend, a word with you in your ear: prithee who are these gallants?
Witwoud, your brother is not behindhand in forgetfulness. I fancy he has forgot you too. This is a vile dog, I see that already. No offence? Ha, ha, ha. To him, to him, Petulant, smoke him. It seems as if you had come a journey, sir; hem, hem. If I am not mistaken, you are Sir Wilfull Witwoud? Brother Antony!
What, dost thou not know me? Your servant? Why, yours, sir. Why, brother Wilfull of Salop, you may be as short as a Shrewsbury cake, if you please. You could intreat to be remembered then to your friends round the Wrekin. Of the family of the Furnivals?
Ay, ay, but that was but for a while. Not long, not long; pshaw, I was not in my own power then. An orphan, and this fellow was my guardian; ay, ay, I was glad to consent to that man to come to London.
He had the disposal of me then. If I had not agreed to that, I might have been bound prentice to a feltmaker in Shrewsbury: this fellow would have bound me to a maker of felts. Belike I may, madam.
I may chance to sail upon the salt seas, if my mind hold. I direct my discourse to the lady, sir. Yes, I have settled my concerns, I may say now, and am minded to see foreign parts. If an how that the peace holds, whereby, that is, taxes abate. I am somewhat dainty in making a resolution, because when I make it I keep it. But I have thoughts to tarry a small matter in town, to learn somewhat of your lingo first, before I cross the seas.
Cousin Witwoud, your servant; Mr. Petulant, your servant. Nephew, you are welcome again. Will you drink anything after your journey, nephew, before you eat?
However, I thank you for your courteous offer. Marwood talk apart. Sweetheart, can you help me to a pair of slippers? Fie, fie, nephew, you would not pull off your boots here? Go down into the hall:—dinner shall stay for you. Gentlemen, will you walk? Marwood , Fainall. And I, it seems, am a husband, a rank husband, and my wife a very errant, rank wife,—all in the way of the world. Then shake it off: you have often wished for an opportunity to part, and now you have it.
Damn him, that had been mine—had you not made that fond discovery. That had been forfeited, had they been married. They may prove a cap of maintenance to you still, if you can away with your wife. You married her to keep you; and if you can contrive to have her keep you better than you expected, why should you not keep her longer than you intended? My lady loves her, and will come to any composition to save her reputation. Take the opportunity of breaking it just upon the discovery of this imposture.
My lady will be enraged beyond bounds, and sacrifice niece, and fortune and all at that conjuncture. And let me alone to keep her warm: if she should flag in her part, I will not fail to prompt her. Let me see. I never loved her, or if I had, why that would have been over too by this time. Weary of her I am and shall be. Thus far concerning my repose. I will contrive a letter which shall be delivered to my lady at the time when that rascal who is to act Sir Rowland is with her.
It shall come as from an unknown hand—for the less I appear to know of the truth the better I can play the incendiary. Besides, I would not have Foible provoked if I could help it, because, you know, she knows some passages.
Nay, I expect all will come out. But let the mine be sprung first, and then I care not if I am discovered. I have already a deed of settlement of the best part of her estate, which I wheedled out of her, and that you shall partake at least. I hope you are convinced that I hate Mirabell now?
No, by this kiss. Let husbands be jealous, but let the lover still believe: or if he doubt, let it be only to endear his pleasure, and prepare the joy that follows, when he proves his mistress true. All husbands must or pain or shame endure; The wise too jealous are, fools too secure. Lady Wishfort and Foible. Yes, madam. I have put wax-lights in the sconces, and placed the footmen in a row in the hall, in their best liveries, with the coachman and postillion to fill up the equipage.
Have you pulvilled the coachman and postillion, that they may not stink of the stable when Sir Rowland comes by? And are the dancers and the music ready, that he may be entertained in all points with correspondence to his passion?
Well, and how shall I receive him? In what figure shall I give his heart the first impression? There is a great deal in the first impression. Shall I sit? No, that will be too sudden. Yes; and then as soon as he appears, start, ay, start and be surprised, and rise to meet him in a pretty disorder.
Yes; oh, nothing is more alluring than a levee from a couch in some confusion. It shows the foot to advantage, and furnishes with blushes and re-composing airs beyond comparison. Call her down, Foible; bring her hither. When they are together, then come to me, Foible, that I may not be too long alone with Sir Rowland.
Madam, I stayed here to tell your ladyship that Mr. Shall I tell Mr. Mirabell that you are at leisure? What would the dear man have? I am thoughtful and would amuse myself; bid him come another time. Ay, if you please, Foible, send him away, or send him hither, just as you will, dear Foible. Shall I? Ay, let the wretch come. Dear Fainall, entertain Sir Wilfull:—thou hast philosophy to undergo a fool; thou art married and hast patience. I would confer with my own thoughts.
I am obliged to you that you would make me your proxy in this affair, but I have business of my own. O Sir Wilfull, you are come at the critical instant. Yes, my aunt will have it so. Sir Wilfull , Millamant. Nay, nay, cousin. I have forgot my gloves. Pshaw, what a vixen trick is this? Nay, now a has seen me too. Well, well, I shall understand your lingo one of these days, cousin; in the meanwhile I must answer in plain English. Not at present, cousin. Yes, I made bold to see, to come and know if that how you were disposed to fetch a walk this evening; if so be that I might not be troublesome, I would have sought a walk with you.
Look ye, look ye, you do? Here are choice of pastimes here in town, as plays and the like, that must be confessed indeed—. You have nothing further to say to me? But spare to speak and spare to speed, as they say. If it is of no great importance, Sir Wilfull, you will oblige me to leave me: I have just now a little business. Enough, enough, cousin. Yes, yes, all a case. Cousin, your servant. Millamant , Mirabell. Do you lock yourself up from me, to make my search more curious? Or is this pretty artifice contrived, to signify that here the chase must end, and my pursuit be crowned, for you can fly no further?
Oh, I should think I was poor and had nothing to bestow if I were reduced to an inglorious ease, and freed from the agreeable fatigues of solicitation. But do not you know that when favours are conferred upon instant and tedious solicitation, that they diminish in their value, and that both the giver loses the grace, and the receiver lessens his pleasure? It may be in things of common application, but never, sure, in love.
There is not so impudent a thing in nature as the saucy look of an assured man confident of success: the pedantic arrogance of a very husband has not so pragmatical an air. Or will you be contented with the first now, and stay for the other till after grace?
My dear liberty, shall I leave thee? My faithful solitude, my darling contemplation, must I bid you then adieu? Ay-h, adieu. My morning thoughts, agreeable wakings, indolent slumbers, all ye douceurs , ye sommeils du matin , adieu. Idle creature, get up when you will. Ay, as wife, spouse, my dear, joy, jewel, love, sweetheart, and the rest of that nauseous cant, in which men and their wives are so fulsomely familiar—I shall never bear that.
Let us never visit together, nor go to a play together, but let us be very strange and well-bred. Let us be as strange as if we had been married a great while, and as well-bred as if we were not married at all. Have you any more conditions to offer? Hitherto your demands are pretty reasonable. To have my closet inviolate; to be sole empress of my tea-table, which you must never presume to approach without first asking leave.
And lastly, wherever I am, you shall always knock at the door before you come in. These articles subscribed, if I continue to endure you a little longer, I may by degrees dwindle into a wife. Your bill of fare is something advanced in this latter account. Well, have I liberty to offer conditions:—that when you are dwindled into a wife, I may not be beyond measure enlarged into a husband?
I thank you. Imprimis , then, I covenant that your acquaintance be general; that you admit no sworn confidant or intimate of your own sex; no she friend to screen her affairs under your countenance, and tempt you to make trial of a mutual secrecy. No decoy-duck to wheedle you a fop-scrambling to the play in a mask, then bring you home in a pretended fright, when you think you shall be found out, and rail at me for missing the play, and disappointing the frolic which you had to pick me up and prove my constancy.
Item , I article, that you continue to like your own face as long as I shall, and while it passes current with me, that you endeavour not to new coin it. Item , I shut my doors against all bawds with baskets, and pennyworths of muslin, china, fans, atlases, etc. Item , when you shall be breeding—. Lastly, to the dominion of the tea-table I submit; but with proviso, that you exceed not in your province, but restrain yourself to native and simple tea-table drinks, as tea, chocolate, and coffee.
As likewise to genuine and authorised tea-table talk, such as mending of fashions, spoiling reputations, railing at absent friends, and so forth. But for cowslip-wine, poppy-water, and all dormitives, those I allow.
These provisos admitted, in other things I may prove a tractable and complying husband. Oh, horrid provisos! Filthy strong waters! I toast fellows, odious men! I hate your odious provisos. Shall I kiss your hand upon the contract? And here comes one to be a witness to the sealing of the deed. Fie, fie, have him, and tell him so in plain terms: for I am sure you have a mind to him. I think I have; and the horrid man looks as if he thought so too. My mother is coming; and in my conscience if she should see you, would fall into fits, and maybe not recover time enough to return to Sir Rowland, who, as Foible tells me, is in a fair way to succeed.
Therefore spare your ecstasies for another occasion, and slip down the back stairs, where Foible waits to consult you. What they may have done by this time I know not, but Petulant and he were upon quarrelling as I came by.
Well, if Mirabell should not make a good husband, I am a lost thing: for I find I love him violently. If you doubt him, you had best take up with Sir Wilfull. I could stay no longer. I am tipsy with laughing—if I had stayed any longer I should have burst,—I must have been let out and pieced in the sides like an unsized camlet. Yes, yes, the fray is composed; my lady came in like a noli prosequi , and stopt the proceedings. Now, Petulant? Gad, my head begins to whim it about.
Why dost thou not speak? Thou art both as drunk and as mute as a fish. Look you, Mrs. Thou hast uttered volumes, folios, in less than decimo sexto, my dear Lacedemonian. Sirrah, Petulant, thou art an epitomiser of words.
Thou art a retailer of phrases, and dost deal in remnants of remnants, like a maker of pincushions; thou art in truth metaphorically speaking a speaker of shorthand. Thou art without a figure just one half of an ass, and Baldwin yonder, thy half-brother, is the rest. A Gemini of asses split would make just four of you. If I have a humour to quarrel, I can make less matters conclude premises.
If you are not handsome, what then? If I have a humour to prove it? Do, wrap thyself up like a woodlouse, and dream revenge. And, hear me, if thou canst learn to write by to-morrow morning, pen me a challenge. How you stink of wine! Prithee fill me the glass, Till it laugh in my face, With ale that is potent and mellow; He that whines for a lass Is an ignorant ass, For a bumper has not its fellow. In vino veritas , aunt. If I drunk your health to-day, cousin,—I am a Borachio.
If I travel, aunt, I touch at your antipodes—your antipodes are a good rascally sort of topsy-turvy fellows. Your pardon, madam, I can stay no longer. Sir Wilfull grows very powerful. I shall be overcome if I stay. Come, cousin. Witwoud , Foible. He would poison a tallow-chandler and his family. Beastly creature, I know not what to do with him. Travel, quotha; ay, travel, travel, get thee gone, get thee but far enough, to the Saracens, or the Tartars, or the Turks—for thou art not fit to live in a Christian commonwealth, thou beastly pagan.
No; no Turks, aunt. Your Turks are infidels, and believe not in the grape. Your Mahometan, your Mussulman is a dry stinkard. No offence, aunt. My map says that your Turk is not so honest a man as your Christian—I cannot find by the map that your Mufti is orthodox, whereby it is a plain case that orthodox is a hard word, aunt, and [ hiccup ] Greek for claret.
To drink is a Christian diversion, Unknown to the Turk or the Persian. Let Mahometan fools Live by heathenish rules, And be damned over tea-cups and coffee. Ah, Tony! Sir Rowland impatient? Good lack! Call up the wenches with broomsticks. Dear Cousin Witwoud, get him away, and you will bind me to you inviolably.
I have an affair of moment that invades me with some precipitation. Come, knight. Will you go to a cock-match? With a wench, Tony? Is she a shake-bag, sirrah? Let me bite your cheek for that. He has a breath like a bagpipe. Ay, ay; come, will you march, my Salopian? Lead on, little Tony. This will never do. It will never make a match,—at least before he has been abroad. Lady Wishfort , Waitwell disguised as for Sir Rowland. Dear Sir Rowland, I am confounded with confusion at the retrospection of my own rudeness,—I have more pardons to ask than the pope distributes in the year of jubilee.
But I hope where there is likely to be so near an alliance, we may unbend the severity of decorum, and dispense with a little ceremony. My impatience, madam, is the effect of my transport; and till I have the possession of your adorable person, I am tantalised on the rack, and do but hang, madam, on the tenter of expectation.
You have excess of gallantry, Sir Rowland, and press things to a conclusion with a most prevailing vehemence. But a day or two for decency of marriage—. For decency of funeral, madam! The delay will break my heart—or if that should fail, I shall be poisoned. My nephew will get an inkling of my designs and poison me—and I would willingly starve him before I die—I would gladly go out of the world with that satisfaction.
That would be some comfort to me, if I could but live so long as to be revenged on that unnatural viper. Is he so unnatural, say you? Truly I would contribute much both to the saving of your life and the accomplishment of your revenge.
Not that I respect myself; though he has been a perfidious wretch to me. O Sir Rowland, the hours that he has died away at my feet, the tears that he has shed, the oaths that he has sworn, the palpitations that he has felt, the trances and the tremblings, the ardours and the ecstasies, the kneelings and the risings, the heart-heavings and the hand-gripings, the pangs and the pathetic regards of his protesting eyes! Well, Sir Rowland, you have the way,—you are no novice in the labyrinth of love,—you have the clue.
But as I am a person, Sir Rowland, you must not attribute my yielding to any sinister appetite or indigestion of widowhood; nor impute my complacency to any lethargy of continence. I hope you do not think me prone to any iteration of nuptials? If you do, I protest I must recede, or think that I have made a prostitution of decorums, but in the vehemence of compassion, and to save the life of a person of so much importance—.
Sir Rowland, will you give me leave? Waitwell , Foible. Fie, fie! What a slavery have I undergone; spouse, hast thou any cordial? I want spirits. Oh, she is the antidote to desire. I shall have no appetite to iteration of nuptials—this eight-and-forty hours.
I would open it in your presence, because I would not make you uneasy. By heaven! Look you here. I have that honour for your character , that I think myself obliged to let you know you are abused. He who pretends to be Sir Rowland is a cheat and a rascal. O heavens! How, how, let me see, let me see. O villainy! Quickly, his plot, swear, swear it!
I told you at first I knew the hand. The rascal writes a sort of a large hand: your Roman hand. Am I here? Do I live? Do I love this pearl of India? I have twenty letters in my pocket from him in the same character. Oh, what luck it is, Sir Rowland, that you were present at this juncture! This was the business that brought Mr. Mirabell disguised to Madam Millamant this afternoon. I thought something was contriving, when he stole by me and would have hid his face.
How, how? I heard the villain was in the house indeed; and now I remember, my niece went away abruptly when Sir Wilfull was to have made his addresses. Then, then, madam, Mr. Mirabell waited for her in her chamber; but I would not tell your ladyship to discompose you when you were to receive Sir Rowland. I care not for law. My lady shall be satisfied of my truth and innocence, though it cost me my life. I conjure you, Sir Rowland, by all your love not to fight.
I am charmed, madam; I obey. And may I presume to bring a contract to be signed this night? May I hope so far? Bring what you will; but come alive, pray come alive. Oh, this is a happy discovery. Come, my buxom widow:. Out of my house, out of my house, thou viper, thou serpent that I have fostered, thou bosom traitress that I raised from nothing! Go, go, starve again, do, do! Go, go, drive a trade.
These were your commodities, you treacherous trull; this was the merchandise you dealt in, when I took you into my house, placed you next myself, and made you governant of my whole family.
You have forgot this, have you, now you have feathered your nest? No, no, dear madam. Mirabell seduced me; I am not the first that he has wheedled with his dissembling tongue. O madam, if you knew but what he promised me, and how he assured me your ladyship should come to no damage, or else the wealth of the Indies should not have bribed me to conspire against so good, so sweet, so kind a lady as you have been to me. No damage? What, to betray me, to marry me to a cast serving-man; to make me a receptacle, an hospital for a decayed pimp?
O thou frontless impudence, more than a big-bellied actress! Pray do but hear me, madam; he could not marry your ladyship, madam. No indeed, his marriage was to have been void in law; for he was married to me first, to secure your ladyship.
He could not have bedded your ladyship, for if he had consummated with your ladyship, he must have run the risk of the law, and been put upon his clergy.
Yes indeed, I enquired of the law in that case before I would meddle or make. Then I have been your property, have I? I have been convenient to you, it seems, while you were catering for Mirabell; I have been broker for you? What, have you made a passive bawd of me? This exceeds all precedent. I am brought to fine uses, to become a botcher of second-hand marriages between Abigails and Andrews! Your turtle is in custody already.
You shall coo in the same cage, if there be constable or warrant in the parish. Oh, that ever I was born! Oh, that I was ever married!
A bride? Ay, I shall be a Bridewell bride. She sent the letter to my lady, and that missing effect, Mr. Fainall laid this plot to arrest Waitwell, when he pretended to go for the papers; and in the meantime Mrs.
Marwood declared all to my lady. Was there no mention made of me in the letter? My mother does not suspect my being in the confederacy? I fancy Marwood has not told her, though she has told my husband. Yes, madam; but my lady did not see that part. We stifled the letter before she read so far. Has that mischievous devil told Mr.
Fainall of your ladyship then? He has been even with your ladyship; which I could have told you long enough since, but I love to keep peace and quietness by my good will.
But Mrs. Marwood and he are nearer related than ever their parents thought for. I can take my oath of it, madam; so can Mrs.
We have had many a fair word from Madam Marwood to conceal something that passed in our chamber one evening when you were at Hyde Park, and we were thought to have gone a-walking. But we went up unawares—though we were sworn to secrecy too: Madam Marwood took a book and swore us upon it: but it was but a book of poems. So long as it was not a bible oath, we may break it with a safe conscience. My lady would speak with Mrs. Foible, mem. Mirabell is with her; he has set your spouse at liberty, Mrs.
Oh, my old lady is in a perilous passion at something Mr. Fainall has said; he swears, and my old lady cries. Yes mem; they have sent me to see if Sir Wilfull be sober, and to bring him to them. My lady is resolved to have him, I think, rather than lose such a vast sum as six thousand pound. Oh, come, Mrs. Foible, I hear my old lady. Fainall , Lady Wishfort , Mrs. O my dear friend, how can I enumerate the benefits that I have received from your goodness?
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